raising ‘middle-age’ kids

“Middle Age Kids”

No, they’re not in their 50s, but they are no longer babies and not quite adults. We are no longer changing diapers and reading bedtime stories…they read to themselves at bedtime now. We aren’t sounding out words or asking them to identify shapes. We no longer own a car seat. Strollers are a thing of the past. We aren’t in the trenches of parenting babies, toddlers, and young children any longer.

Surely, you’re thinking life is much easier now that our kids are 16, 13, 10, and 10. It is…in some ways. It’s also much more difficult in other ways. My husband and I find ourselves caught between, “Thank God we are done with the diapers/baby/toddler stage,” and “We really, really miss the kids being small.”

Traveling is a lot more fun with older kids. We don’t have to accompany anyone to the restroom on a plane any longer. We don’t worry about popping ears and snack messes on planes. We don’t even worry about how we’re going to keep them entertained for hours on a long flight or a long car ride…they do that on their own. Eating in a restaurant is a lot easier with kids who don’t require their filet cut for them, nor are they spilling cups or leaving a mess of puffs all over the floor. The house is so much easier to keep clean. So are the cars. Schoolwork is so much easier since they can do it on their own. Movie nights are so much better because we can watch almost anything, and no one is asking to watch animated films any longer.

So many things about having older kids are so much easier, but so many things are so much more difficult. For example, our schedule is busier than ever. When the kids were small, it was parties, events, and outings that we planned so meticulously for. Birthday parties, holiday gatherings, and events were the big things we did. Saying yes to plans was so much fun because our days and nights were spent taking care of little people who needed us for every single little thing. Getting together with people we loved was what we looked forward to.

Now that our kids are older, we aren’t home doing naptime and dinnertime and playtime all day. We are in the car 5-10 times a day taking kids to schools, picking them up, taking them to golf and tumble and acro and NJHS and going to honor roll ceremonies. Evenings are spent picking kids up from various practices/clubs, being present for all their games and matches. Socializing is just one more thing to add to an already busy schedule and exhaustion. We still love it, but let me give you an example of how we socialize these days.

Our dear, dear friend B recently sent a group text to three of us to plan a Saturday evening date night. We all said yes for a date we were all free, but, “Do you guys want to go to dinner on this night?” immediately turned into, “What if instead of going out, we just wear comfies, send the kids to one of our neighborhood houses and go to another of our neighborhood houses and cook an elaborate meal together?” because we’ve reached the point where leaving our neighborhood is just too much work. It doesn’t count as having plans if we can golf cart to one another’s houses and stay in our comfy clothes.

So, that’s what we did. Everyone’s children came to our house for the evening and had their own dinner and playdates, and we all went down the street to our friends’ house. We picked up filets from the butcher and sous vide them, made baked potatoes, crispy brussels sprouts, wedge salads, a fresh berry tart on puff pastry. We had pre-dinner cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, several bottles of red, and after dinner espresso martinis for the ladies and bourbon and cigars for the gentlemen on the pool deck. We wore our pajamas and watched documentaries and it was perfection.

The problem is not that we don’t care to go places and socialize any longer. The problem is that so many things drain our social batteries because we are tired. When Thursdays are spent on the golf course from 1 pm until 6 pm in the heat of August and September and October in Florida and Friday nights are spent in the stands at the football field (do not even get me started on the fact that most of our daughter’s games this season were away and the closest away game was an hour away) watching our daughter cheer – it was a miracle if we made it home before 11 pm on a Friday night. Two days IN A ROW of people-ing and cheering and being in the heat? That’s…a lot. By Saturday, we were all tired. Making an effort to go anywhere? No, thank you. Sundays are another day we don’t often want to make an effort – it’s the day we have to make sure everything is good to go for the kids’ upcoming week.

It. Is. Exhausting.

We are far more tired with ‘middle age’ kids than we ever were with small kids. In the same vein, we also now have a teenage driver. She’s 16. She has her own car. Yes, it’s been nice that she can now take herself to and from her college classes and high school classes and cheer practices because I’m almost certain being responsible for her schedule this year would have put us both in an early grave. This child has college courses two mornings a week followed by three hours at high school, followed by a 2.5-hour break after her last class before the end of the school day and cheer practice. She’s in her car as much as we are in ours these days. It’s a lot.

‘Middle-age’ kids are exhausting.

A lot changes in life when you have kids this age. It’s busier, but not always in a more fun way. It’s busier in the way that they’re doing what they love and we’re supporting them, watching them, and being there for them, but we are also too tired to want to do much else during our one day a week of no sports and activities.

But, having ‘middle-age’ kids is also magical. Family dinners are nothing short of hilarious. Travel is so much more fun. Quality time together is so much better. Car conversations are so interesting. Our kids are really funny, and they like spending time with us just as much as we like spending time with them. We also know that our time with them all here, together, living under our roof and being kids is coming to an end very, very quickly.

This Christmas is our second to last Christmas with Addison living at home. She’s going to be a senior in less than a year. She graduates high school in 18 months. 18 months sounds like a long time, but to put it into perspective – 18 months ago was the last month of Addy’s freshman year. She’s weeks away from being done with the first half of her junior year. Time? It flies. It’s not lost on me.

We may not be in the middle of the baby/toddler years any longer. And we might look back and laugh about how tired we thought we were when we had four kids six and under, but we are in a much more difficult stage.

Instead of putting our babies to bed at night and hoping no one has a bad dream, we are going to bed at night counting down the very few days we have left until one of our babies is an adult. Instead of wondering how we’re going to spend the day keeping four little ones entertained and happy all day long, we worry and wait with bated breath for those Life360 alerts telling us our daughter made it to school safely. Instead of being excited when our 16-year-old calls us when she’s not home, instant fear settles in until we answer and she says, “Can you send me $100 because I’m going to Target or dinner or I need gas.” We feel instant relief. Until we end the call and then begin worrying about her all over again.

What I’m trying to say is this – every ‘season’ of parenting is different…both beautiful and awful in its own unique way. I will die on the hill that there is no such thing as exhausted like four kids in three schools with four different sports schedules exhausted (give me all the toddler and newborn exhaustion ANY DAY please and thank you), but every ‘season’ is one we as parents ought to remember to enjoy. Because each one is just so much better while being simultaneously so much worse, while also fleeting.

We don’t get this time back. Nothing else matters except the little family we create, and it’s our job to enjoy the ride. Bumps, detours, unscheduled stops, and every mile. Trust me when I tell you that the journey seems long, but the destination is so much closer than you think, and not one of us is ready to kiss our babies goodbye and send them off into adulthood.

Be present and enjoy it.