Life lessons that matter.
Today is a day that falls into the bittersweet category for me. It’s a day I’ve thought about for a long time, but also a day that I thought I had a lot more time to prepare for. Spoiler alert: I did have almost 18 years, but those went by pretty fast, so here we are…touring the University where our daughter will begin (…finish? Because she’s graduating high school with her AA, so she’s leaving for college as a Junior) her college career in the fall. Where she’ll live. Where she’ll make new friends. Where she’ll become an adult and make life choices of her own.
On one hand, I could not be more excited for her. She’s worked so hard to accomplish all that she’s accomplished (she was accepted into every University she applied to!). She’s excited about her future. I’m excited about her future. But on the other hand, it’s terrifying to see her grow up, to let her go, and to know that she’s no longer a child. Hey, heartbreak, I see you.
In the hard moments – the ones where I’m crying over a song in the car that reminds me she’s leaving – I have to remind myself that we’ve done one hell of a job with this kid…and her siblings. I often look around at other kids her age and I think that we have really done a phenomenal job raising her, teaching her right from wrong, encouraging her, and raising her to understand how to make good choices and do the right thing, to be kind but not a pushover, to be funny but not mean, and to be a good person rather than a total asshole.
And in those moments, I remind myself that while I never judge anyone’s particular parenting style (because all kids are different…I know, I have four very different kids), I do pride myself on some of the things I’ve done that others clearly have not. The lessons we’ve taught our kids, the way we’ve raised them, the life lessons we’ve made clear to them, and I thought I’d share what we’ve always made sure to teach our kids and what we’ve never focused on.
Discernment
Teaching our kids to be discerning has been one of the best lessons we’ve given them. It’s taught them that not everyone deserves their time, their energy, their trust, or even a place in their life. For the most part, our kids steer pretty clear of drama, of the crazy behavior, of the constant need for attention that other kids seek, and it’s boded quite well for them. No one has time for that nonsense.
Good Life Choices
Listen, I’m going to lose my mind if someone asks me to decide what’s for dinner because choices are dumb. But some choices, well, they’re not dumb. Some choices are common sense, smart, and for the best. We’ve made sure our kids know that every choice has a consequence – and some of those consequences will follow you around the rest of your life (like a DUI, a pregnancy, or questionable photos posted or shared online).
There is a time and a place for every moment in life, and right now, yesterday, all at once is not the right time for everything. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed one day at a time, not recklessly and with abandon. Our kids are going to make mistakes, but it’s our goal to make sure our kids aren’t making big mistakes that will affect them for the rest of their lives.
It often sounds like a joke, but any time any of our kids leaves the house, my husband and I say the same thing (and the kids usually roll their eyes and say it with us), “No drinking and driving, no drugs, no riding with anyone who has been drinking or using drugs, no pregnancies, no arrests, and no gang signs,” and I know asking them not to throw gang signs is a tough one, but someone has to make good rules around here.
Our job as parents is to make sure our kids are making good life decisions, and these cover the requirements we have for them right now.
No Is Often the Best Word
No is a full sentence, and it’s one that should be used with reckless abandon. Say it with me. NO. Negative. Not happening. Pass. It’s a no from me, dawg. N.O. There are a billion ways to say it, but keeping it simple is one of my favorites. LOL, no.
The single most important thing I feel that we’ve taught our kids is the art of using the word no, because it’s one I didn’t learn until I was 102. I grew up thinking I had to say yes to keep the peace, to make people happy, to avoid hurting people’s feelings, to make everyone else comfortable, and to be liked.
And what happened? I wasn’t living in peace, I wasn’t making myself happy, I was hurting my own feelings, I was uncomfortable, and I didn’t like myself. And what the fuck is that all about? Life is short, and we make sure to teach our kids that saying no when they don’t want to do something, try something, go somewhere, or feel uncomfortable in a situation is the best gift they can give themselves.
Practice Self-Respect
This is a pretty simple life lesson we try so hard to instill in our kids. If you don’t respect yourself, no one will respect you.
Don’t Make Life Harder Than It Needs to Be
Not everything is a big deal. Not everything needs to be done right now. Not everything has to be experienced right now. Don’t make life harder than it needs to be.
…And probably the most important life lesson we are teaching our kids:
These are NOT the best years of your life
Darlings, if high school and college are the best years of your life and you miss those days because they were the best…you peaked. Trust me. High school and college are so much fun, and they’re a good time, and you’re going to make awesome memories, but at the end of the day, it’s not even a decade of your life. It’s less than 8 percent of your life. It’s a blip on the radar. It’s…not the best years of your life.
The best years of your life are the years you’ll live with your spouse, your own kids, making memories as you grow together. The best years of your life happen when you finally know yourself a little better, when you finally stop caring what people think of you, when you finally learn to live for you. The best years of your life begin when you start living for yourself, and they become better every year after that. The best years of your life are the ones in which you’ll look back and say, “This was the best year, and I don’t know how to top that,” and then you do just that – you top it. Again, and again, and again.
My kids will make mistakes. They will make choices I don’t agree with. They’re imperfect as we all are. But I know with certainty that my kids will take these lessons, live their lives to the best of their ability, and they will look back one day and share the same lessons with their own kids because they appreciate being taught what’s really important – family, respect, love, and home.
Tiffany Raiford 