my toxic traits

Toxic Traits?

I prefer to call them cute quirks.

We all have them, and they’re not all toxic. Some might be…But I like to think of my toxic traits more like charming quirks that make my loved ones love me. Surely, they’ll all tell you the same thing.

Regardless of what you call it, we all have some…interesting…traits that may or may not make others raise a brow (or attempt to, but good Botox will prevent that). I thought it might be fun to share mine with the world so that everyone can see exactly what my husband is dealing with on a regular basis and understand he is the crazy one because he chose this. I was born this way…he picked this.

We all have toxic traits. Some people are just crazy. Some people are weird. Some people do things the rest of us would never.

Me?

My toxic traits are more like standards.

I supply all Airbnb’s with brand new glassware

I physically (okay, okay, emotionally) cannot consume a beverage from the incorrect barware. I’m not drinking from plastic cups. I’m not drinking wine from a stemless glass or (worse) from a thick wine glass with a stubby stem. I’m not drinking champagne from anything other than a champagne flute, and why don’t people invest in nice coupes for the love of a good cocktail?!

So, anytime we book a trip that includes a luxury home rental, I buy all new glassware to take with…and I don’t bring it home. I have a fully stocked bar with all the correct barware. I don’t need anymore.

You’re all welcome, future Airbnb renters. If you’ve ever stayed somewhere and thought to yourself, ‘wow, these glasses are surprisingly chic for a rental,’ it was me. I was there. Tiffany. Was. There. And I fixed it.

I can’t drive a messy car

Literally cannot. I cannot drive a car that is not perfectly clean. I mean clean floors, clean seats, clean compartments, clean dash, clean everything. And that, my friend, is why I vacuum my car every single day when I pull into my garage. I also wipe it down daily. I also stock it with all the things that keep it nice and clean.

Perhaps I am an obsessive-compulsive asshole, or perhaps I am a mother of four who spends a tremendous amount of time in my car. Call it what you want.

I can’t go to bed in a messy house

“I’ll do it in the morning,” is not a language I speak. It doesn’t matter how exhausted I am; I cannot go to bed if anything is out of place, messy, or undone. Thankfully, I married a man who fully understands this, so the evening reset is simple. All dishes done and put away, all laundry done and put away, rugs vacuumed, floors mopped, counters clean, everything in its place. Even the couch blankets are folded and put in the basket because God forbid I wake up to a blanket still on the couch…I’d die a little on the inside.

I am a charcuterie snob

Listen, you do you. But I’m spoiled when it comes to charcuterie thanks to my darling board specialist who makes the most beautiful boards…and you’ll never find a Ritz cracker or Kraft cheese or bagged pepperoni on her boards. Go buy a Lunchable for fuck sake. I want beautiful, soft cheese with decadent flavors, gorgeous prosciutto, amazing fruits and chocolates, and gorgeous carbs on which to enjoy each bite. It’s honestly not a big deal, and I don’t care that much, but I can’t help but judge when I see a Lunchable thrown onto a board and called charcuterie.

I can’t be mildly inconvenienced

I don’t have the patience for even one small thing not to go my way. I just don’t.

I have to have a vacation planned at all times

I want to rest, but I cannot rest. I need a vacation on the calendar at all times…which is probably why we have so many annual trips. Knowing they’re always on the calendar keeps me calm. Adding additional trips between is also fun.

I really want my kids to homeschool

In high school.

And I’m not teaching them. I want them to do it virtually.

I really dislike their high school leadership (not all of it, there are some truly phenomenal people there), but I feel that it’s poorly run, and it makes me crazy. I’d prefer my kids to go into high school and do it virtually. Unfortunately, my kids all love school and won’t do it.

I never think before I speak

Welllllll…that’s not entirely accurate. On occasion, I don’t think before I speak. On other occasions, I’ve been thinking exactly what’s about to come out of my mouth for a long time, and I’m finally going to say it. If you don’t like what comes out, that’s on you.

I always think I have more time than I do

And trust me when I say I don’t. I currently have about four hours a day to get done all that needs to get done between drop off and pick up, games and practices, and dinner, and all the things that our kids need, and it’s not enough. Everything I do for myself feels like a chore anymore – hair appointments, nails, doctor appointments…it feels like one more thing that’s taking up what little time I have. But, yes, I know…I’m going to miss this.

Self-care appointments are not enjoyable for me

I love the after, but self-care feels a little like a prison sentence to me. I have so little free time as it is, and having to schedule appointments during that free time is the worst thing ever. Hair is hours, and I can’t do anything else productive that day because I can only do one productive thing a day. Nails take hours, and I despise pedicures, so they feel extra horrible to me. Botox doesn’t take that long, but I can’t make my appointments online, so I have to call and make them, and I can’t do that. Like…literally. I am so past-due right now for a Botox appointment, but the idea of picking up the phone, calling, and scheduling an appointment is so overwhelming for me…I need a computerized option.

Or maybe it’s the making of the appointments that I don’t like because I never know if I can keep them, and I hate that. I schedule everything in advance, and lately it feels like 50% of the time I’m calling to reschedule because a game is scheduled, a field trip is scheduled, someone is sick, something happens…I really, really hate cancelling and rescheduling appointments. So maybe that’s why I dislike self-care.

And a few more…

I’m not eating at chain restaurants.

Sundays are sacred.

Boundaries are non-negotiable, and I’m not sorry if that hurts anyone’s feelings.

I’m always ordering a bottle, never a glass.

I’d rather order all the appetizers than an entrée.

I’d rather stay in than go out.

People who are friends with every single fucking person they meet in life who don’t have a small circle really creep me out…like why? And how? The social battery required for that is just too much for me.

I am such a conspiracy theorist, and I know so many things.

Books>TV & movies.