It’s not about you.
Unless…it is?
But it’s not.
Is it?
I am exceptional at taking things personally. I’ve made an art of it almost my entire life, and trust me when I say it was not easy to unlearn to take things personally. But do trust me when I say it was, perhaps, the one thing I’ve learned that brought the most positive change. Honestly, it’s not easy to stop taking things personally. It’s human nature to have a bit of a ‘me’ complex, seeing as how we are, by nature, pretty self-centered.
Listen…I take things personally.
My daughter never asks me to go to the gym with her? She obviously doesn’t love me, and I embarrass her. My husband is quiet? He obviously doesn’t love me (readers – my husband is always quiet).
My brain is always singing, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me,” but my therapist is always like, ‘yes, bitch, you are the problem, it is you,’ but not in the way that I think. It’s me, I’m the problem, because I’m taking things personally when I shouldn’t – and because I’m telling myself that it’s me when it’s not.
Can I stop everyone for a moment and tell you guys that I read an article recently that says that AI writing is obvious because it uses a lot of dashes (-) but I’ve ALWAYS been a fan of the dash, and I’m not going to stop? But I also don’t use AI because I have too much to say to let someone else say it for me? Okay, super glad we talked about this.
My point is that at the tender age of 42, I’m learning that as a woman who has big opinions, a bigger mouth, and a tendency to be self-centered, most things are not about me. Or you, chat (okay, did that sound cool? Because my kids are constantly saying, “Hey chat, what’s for dinner?” or whatever, so now I’m saying it in hopes that they stop).
Let me help you help yourself by sharing with you some of what years of therapy – and living a life that’s had some interesting characters come in and out – has taught me.
The unanswered text
You send a text.
Hours pass.
A day passes.
No response.
Did you say something weird? Did you upset someone? Is someone mad at you? Do they hate you and never want to be your friend again because you’re a total loser and they have new friends who are way cooler than you? So, probably not.
In reality, you sent a text that someone probably saw come through while sitting at a red light that they opened, the light turned green, they put their phone down, they drove home, the kids needs help with homework, then dinner needed preparation, someone had practice, and someone else needed to run to Target because they absolutely totally need this item yesterday, and they forgot about your text.
It was never about you.
Ever.
The declined invitation
You invite someone somewhere. They turn you down. They tell you that their kid has a game and that they’d love to, but can’t. You’re fine with that, right? Yes, of course. You get it. Kids come first, always.
So, then you invite someone somewhere. They decline your invitation. They tell you they’re tired, and they just want a night in without making plans or going anywhere or doing anything because they’re exhausted.
You are horrified. Offended. They hate you. They don’t want to spend time with you because you suck, and they don’t want to be your friend anymore, and they have all new friends, and they are probably with their new friends right now because you are the worst.
In reality, you extended an invitation for the only night these people have not had a sport, school event, or child’s obligation for the past 10 days, and they are fucking tired. They’re exhausted. They just want to be in their own home, in pajamas, and in bed at a reasonable time because they have not been in 10 days.
It was never about you.
Ever.
The hard truth (go ahead and brace yourself)
It’s just not about you. People are wildly self-absorbed in the most human of ways. How can I put this in a way that makes it easy to understand?
Okay, yes, here:
Everyone is the main character in their own life. They are worried first and foremost about themselves and their lives, and that’s not even including their spouse and children’s lives, which they worry about almost as equally as their own. They’re just not that worried about you. Never in anyone’s wildest dreams do they think turning down an invitation is going to cause you absolute emotional chaos. Because it shouldn’t, chat (can you hear my kids rolling their eyes yet?).
You are but a supporting role in other people’s lives.
Maybe even someone who is only making a guest appearance.
And if you keep taking everything so fucking personally, you might be the character killed off after season 15 because you no longer bring any entertainment value to the show.
So how do you learn to stop taking everything so personally?
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it’s not easy. But it’s doable. It took me some time to figure it out, but the past few years of living my life, taking nothing personally has really taught me to live unapologetically and with so much more freedom.
Take a moment to pause – don’t be dramatic because you’re probably wrong.
Don’t assume things are negative – that declined invitation because someone is tired doesn’t mean they don’t like you…it might actually mean someone is just tired.
Remind yourself that it’s not about you – someone being tired doesn’t mean they’re tired of you.
Listen, when you learn not to take things so personally, it doesn’t mean you don’t care about people. It just means you’re learning to stop overthinking everything and creating problems that weren’t there in the first place.
Imagine being this age and living in a universe where every no is about you, every declined invitation or forgotten text is about you, and people cannot just live their lives their own way without you taking it personally. Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it?
It’s freeing living in a world in which you can just take things at face value. When I call a friend and ask them to dinner, them saying no because they’re already doing something else or they’re just tired doesn’t offend me. When someone forgets to text me back, I’ll just hit them with another text to remind them. If someone doesn’t like the same things as me, I know it’s because they don’t have the same spectacular taste as me – and that’s perfectly fine.
There’s a glow-up in no longer taking things personally
When you stop convincing yourself that you play a starring role in the lives of others, your life is so much happier. You’re less stressed. Less reactive. Less upset. You don’t take responsibility for everyone’s mood, feelings, or choices. It’s not your load to bear. Your life is about to become lighter, more relaxed, and a hell of a lot more fun.
Tiffany Raiford 