The mental load of a mom…
You know we do this to ourselves, right?
Okay, give me a hot second to get to my point, because first I want to point out that right now the internet is absolutely trending with the concept of the mental load of a wife and mom. We have the family calendar memorized, everyone comes to us, we know where everything is, we know all the things, all the time, and we have to make all the decisions and do all the things, and the mental load we are carrying is an absolute fucking trainwreck – and it makes us feel like absolute trash.
All right, so…unpopular opinion:
If you are a mom and/or wife and you feel like you are carrying the entire mental load of your entire household…it’s your own fault, boo.
I said what I said.
And here’s why I said it.
I retired from writing in 2022 (which was a career I worked from home and have always been home for my family, and my husband has worked from home since 2016, so we are always home together). But when I decided I was done writing and wanted to fully embrace the stay-at-home mom/wife life, I went ALL in.
I was making every single dinner (because I wanted to learn to cook effortlessly – I’m a stellar baker but cooking was not always something I could do well – like my husband who can see a recipe and make something elaborate and beautiful and decadent with no issues). I was handling the laundry and every detail of our lives.
Which, I want to go on the record and say, is not something I’ve ever done. My husband has always been an “if it needs doing, I’ll do it” kind of husband. He’s always done laundry and cleaned bathrooms and bedrooms and mopped and vacuumed rugs and cleaned out diaper bags and folded couch blankets to put away and cooked meals and packed lunchboxes and handled bathtime for the kids. If it needs to be done and he sees that, he’ll do it. He has never once expected me to do everything because I am the mom and wife, and ‘that’s my job’ in life. He’s equally invested in our home and family as I.
So, when I retired, I talked myself into being the best fucking housewife in the world. I was doing it all. All of it. Every single thing. Because I love my husband, and I decided that since I was no longer sitting in our home office writing all day and just doing fun things like parenting, shopping, getting my nails done, and having lunches with my girlfriends while he was home working hard and financially supporting a very expensive family of six, I’d do it all.
So I did. He still did so many things, of course, but I repeatedly said, “No, let me,” or “You and Carter go throw the ball in the yard, I’ll handle it,” because I felt guilty that he was still doing all the things he always did while I was doing nothing but fun stuff.
Did he feel the same way? No. And he told me a million times a day, “Babe, this is my family and my home, too, and you’re not doing every single thing,” but I still took over doing a lot more than ever (I do it while he’s working and on calls so he can’t jump up and try to help, and I make sure that by the end of the day, there’s not left for him to do).
So, long story short, over the past four years, I’ve given myself a mental load I didn’t want, don’t need, and shouldn’t have to carry. I’ve trained the kids to come to me instead of my husband. I’ve trained everyone to know that I’ll do it because it’s my role as the stay-at-home mom, and it hit me in 2025 that I’m fucking exhausted.
I ran this house.
I became the CEO, COO, President, and Unpaid Intern of our household – doing every single thing willingly and proudly because in my mind, I should be making my husband’s entire life easier because he provides a very, very nice life for our family – even though he sat me down regularly and asked me to stop. Even made it a competition by getting up and unloading the dishwasher before I was awake and starting laundry before I was out of the shower. Trying to still do it himself because I wasn’t letting him.
It was in my mind that I should be making everything in life easy for him and our kids because that was the job description I decided I was taking on – and here’s the part I ignored:
No one asked me to do that.
In fact, they all asked me repeatedly – especially my husband – not to do that. And yet I ignored everyone. And that’s how I ended up creating an unnecessary mental load for myself that was driving me insane and making me a little (lot) crazy.
The guilt sounded like responsibility
I made it all reasonable in my head.
- He works so hard
- I have the time
- It’s my job make everyone’s life easier
Over time, though, that logic turned into pressure for me…and it was all pressure I put on myself. The mental load of trying to do and be everything for everyone all the time made it to where I always felt like I was ‘on’ when I was really just mentally drained.
And then it hit me
There was a point last year when I finally sat down with my husband, and I told him that I was overwhelmed, overstimulated, and just over it. I felt that the mental load I was carrying was too much, and it made me feel overwhelmingly guilty because what else am I? I am a wife and a mo,m and we have four kids and such a busy schedul,e and I felt overwhelmed all the time because there is always something to do and somewhere to be and trying to take care of six people and a puppy in between everything on the schedule felt like too much, and I didn’t know what to do.
And that’s when my husband gently informed me that this is my own doing, and that he’s told me a thousand times over the past few years, “Don’t do that, I’ll do it,” just for me to end up doing it myself right away, so that he couldn’t do it because it was already done. He reminded me he didn’t marry a maid. He married me because he loves me, and he doesn’t want me to do everything for everyone because he loves doing things for us and our household, too.
I’d turned myself into a martyr.
Dropping the mental load
Now that I’ve realized that the mental load I was carrying was entirely my own doing, I’ve realized I need to make some changes in my own life. And so do you.
Your mental load is very likely your own creation. You’ve trained your family. You’ve trained yourself. They’re all following your lead – because you are the mom and the wife, and most families fall into the category of following you as the leader. And you’ve done this.
And so I say to you this – sit your family down and talk to them. Tell them you’re done carrying the load yourself, and let them help. Change the rules. Ask for help and then – more importantly – LET THEM HELP. If you are carrying the entire mental load of your own family, it’s on you, boo. Tell your family you need help and then let them. And if your husband isn’t for it, now you know what to look for in a second husband, because a good man isn’t going to sit back and allow his wife to do it all while she’s overwhelmed and overstimulated.
Again, I said what I said.
The mental load you need to drop
I’ve been rambling. I know. But here’s what you’ve been waiting for, which I did promise you like 89 paragraphs ago: the actual bullshit you need to drop from your mental load to make life easier, better, and more efficient for your entire family.
The belief that rest needs to be earned.
No, it fucking does not. Rest is a requirement. You need it. You don’t deserve rest and downtime. You take it when you need it.
The guilt you feel when your family does things for themselves.
My husband grocery shops on Sundays. He also decides what we are going to eat on the evenings we are home during the week. And he cooks probably 90% of our meals. He knows that grocery shopping, meal planning, and cooking are not my favorite things to do, but he actually enjoys them…But I had to learn that I don’t need to feel guilty when I’m reading a book or doing laundry or playing a game with the kids when he is finished with work for the day and heads into the kitchen to make dinner.
The idea that your spouse is helping.
Sweet angels…if you feel like your husband is babysitting or ‘watching’ the kids while you do things or you have to ASK him to keep the kids so you can make plans (you should be able to look at your spouse and say, “I’m having dinner with the girls on Friday night,” and he should say, “Cool, I’ll take the kids out to dinner,” or whatever), or that he’s “helping” when he does laundry or washes the sheets or cleans the bathrooms, you’re wrong.
He’s not helping or babysitting. He’s living his life in the same home and participating in it.
The idea that being leisurely is lazy.
No, I don’t work. No, I don’t provide financially for my family. No, I don’t have a lot of free time. But when I do find an hour or two to myself, guess what? It’s all right for me to read a book or do something leisurely, and it’s not lazy. It’s for my own well-being. Life is meant to be enjoyed.
The idea that I have to contribute.
I don’t have to prove anything to anyone in my house, and that’s okay. It’s also okay for me to make sure my kitchen is spotless and everyone’s closets are organized and to sit back while my husband makes dinner.
It’s so easy to feel guilty.
Being a woman is a lot of feeling guilty for no reason, but you have to stop. WE have to stop. We are busy, but we certainly don’t have to be productive every minute of every day. We don’t need to feel guilty for living life and for not carrying the entire mental load of every person we’ve ever come into contact with.
Should I ask my husband to write a post about this from his perspective?
Tiffany Raiford 