Everything.
Notice how no one ever talks to moms about how they really feel? I do…because I’ve been noticing it since the day I birthed my first child almost 18 years ago. Everyone told me back then to ‘sleep when the baby sleeps,’ and ‘enjoy every minute,’ and ‘just you wait and see,’ but not one damn person told me anything useful like, “Hey, you’re going to be wearing a diaper home from the hospital and for the next few weeks, too,” or “Your baby might actually sleep through the night and you won’t be exhausted,” etc.
The same goes for high school graduation. No one – no fucking one – has mentioned anything even remotely useful. I’ve heard:
- It goes so fast, doesn’t it?
- Enjoy it!
- You’ll be fine!
- Congratulations!
- You must be so proud!
And, yes, these things are all true. Yes, we are proud. It does go by fast, we are trying to enjoy it, and I’m sure we’ll be fine at some point. But guess what? I’m not fine right now. I’m anything but fine. I’m a mess. I’m always crying. I’m always busy. I’m always thinking about a million little things that no one mentioned because why does no one mention the important things????
Like…how we really feel?
This Baby Made Me a Mom
Therefore, I am not okay. What do moms really feel when their oldest graduates? They feel equal parts heartbroken and so proud they could burst. We’ve never done this before. We don’t know what it’s like to watch our baby leave and grow up.
This is the baby that made me a mom. I was an entirely different person before this baby. I learned everything good about myself because of this baby. I learned patience and calmness, and fear and worries I never knew existed. I also learned a love that I never, ever knew existed. I learned to feel so many things all at once when I didn’t even know that was remotely possible.
I learned motherhood because of this baby.
And now she’s just an adult going off to college, and all anyone can say is ‘Congratulations!”??? How about just giving me a big fucking hug and letting me feel all the things for a moment?
Every single milestone in my life was with this baby.
- First steps
- First day of school
- First heartbreak
- First football game
- First time driving alone
- Last first day of school
- Graduation
Every single thing in my life was first with this baby.
And now we graduate.
So, how do I feel? Like the happiest, most proud parent in the world whose heart is slowing being broken into small pieces every single day because time feels like it’s flying past me at a record speed, and I’m powerless to stop it.
What We Really Feel
Proud. Elated. Happy. Excited. Nervous. Terrified. Horrified. Scared. Sad. Emotional. Like we didn’t enjoy it enough. Like we didn’t do it well enough. Like we need more time. Like we rushed it. Like we took it for granted. Like time flew.
We feel a lot of grief, too. Because grief comes in many forms. No matter what happens after graduation, your child’s life is changed forever, and we know this. We know it’s never going to be the same. A moment has ended. We grieve for that.
We Remember it All
Every version of my daughter has flashed before my eyes in the past few weeks as graduation approaches. Every single version. Things I forgot all about. Moments I’d let slip from my memory. I’ve felt her asleep on my chest for the first time all over again. I’ve felt her sticky little fingers wrapped around me in a great big hug on Halloween evening. I’ve wiped her little face of frosting after decorating cookies for Santa as a child. Her first cheer competition feels like yesterday. Her first day of high school. I’m remembering it all, constantly.
Everything Feels Like a Last
And ‘last’ becomes a unit of measurement. Last spring break as a family. Last Christmas with her living at home. Last Easter when she lives at home. Last Fourth of July with her living at home. Last everything. Everything is a last, and it crushes your soul.
Why?
Because for 18 years you’ve learned alongside this child. You’ve taught this baby patience and independence and responsibility and courage, and you’ve learned so much about each of those things yourself. You’ve worked overtime to raise a good human.
And now it’s time they use those skills to go be patient, independent, responsible, courageous, good humans in the real world.
It’s beautiful. But it’s also brutal. And you feel it. Every single day.
The Good News
These emotions? They’ll take you to your knees. They’ll humble you and remind you and stop you right in your tracks. But at the end of the day, you go to sleep knowing that while the entire life you know is changing forever, an entire life is beginning. This is the first step for the child you raised. This is the first bit of adulthood, the first of so many things in their eyes. While it’s absolutely the last in yours, it’s just not in theirs.
They are feeling overwhelmed with excitement over all of the firsts while you cry over the lasts. Your heart is going to walk across that stage and likely move into a college dorm or apartment in a few months, and it hurts in the best way. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, more extraordinary than watching your child become exactly who they were meant to become.
Even if it causes an ache in your chest that won’t stop.
Tiffany Raiford 