Have kids, they say.
We all thought we knew what we were getting into when we decided to have children, but oh my God, were we wrong. We thought it would be tiny baby snuggles and diaper changes and cuddling and darling family moments, and we were certain it would be the best thing we ever did with our lives.
We were right about that.
But we did not know that it also meant becoming unpaid Uber drivers, personal chefs, event coordinators, finders of all things, and calendar schedulers. Essentially, I did not know that having children meant handing over every moment of free time I thought I had in my life to these tiny little people.
I also thought that the baby years would be the hardest.
MAN was I wrong about that.
There’s no tired like four older kids all involved in sports and activities and schools and events tired. None of the baby books mentioned anything about that. My own mother didn’t mention anything about that (I believe that was a calculated omission on her part, at this point).
There is not one thing I’d change about being a mom (except maybe mandatory mom nap time every afternoon), but there certainly are a lot of things I wish I’d known before I had them so that I could have better prepared myself for the life I’m currently living.
Parent group chats are a personal hell
If you disagree with this one, you are the problem in the parent group chat. Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question was never involved in a parent group chat. No one reads. No one pays attention. No one listens.
Professional parent group chat advice – always, always, always use your husband’s cell phone number in the parent group chat sign-ups. You’re welcome.
You will never have ‘nothing to do’ again
Remember being bored? Yeah, you won’t be bored ever again. You will wish you were bored, trust me. Too bad, though, because every minute for the rest of your life is now accounted for, and it is not accounted for.
You will spend the rest of your life helping with homework, finding a lost sock, buying science fair boards, answering questions, and driving little people to and from every single thing they want to do. It’s award ceremonies and graduations for every little thing, team parties, sports practices, games, matches, lessons, clubs, birthday parties, sleepovers, events…you name it, you’re driving someone to it. And just when you think you have a random Tuesday night to just have family dinner and unwind in the midst of everything else in your life, your children will remind you that tomorrow is AVID dress-up day and they outgrew the dress shoes that they haven’t worn in a month.
Buy a car you love because you’re in it all the time
The pick-up line? Forever. And I say that as the mom who rolls in after the bell has rung. You won’t catch me in line an hour early to be at the front. I’m rolling in as the line is already moving, and I’m still in it for 20 minutes. I spend more time in my car than anywhere else during the school year with four kids, so that’s why I highly suggest purchasing a vehicle you love. Oh, and purchasing the largest vehicle available.
I don’t own a car. I own a transportation company I didn’t sign up for.
There is no such thing as personal space or privacy
When they’re little and sitting outside the door of the bathroom calling your name, you will naively think that one day they will no longer do that. Wrong. You are wrong. Now they will pick the lock on the door, let themselves right in with absolutely no regard, no shame, and no embarrassment to tell you a story about their day that couldn’t wait 30 seconds for you to finish showering or peeing.
Privacy? Yeah, no.
You will develop a superpower
One day you’re going to realize that you do, in fact, have a superpower. And that superpower is knowing exactly where to find any and everything your family owns without an adequate description of the missing item.
“Mommy, I can’t find my thing. You know the black one with the things on it? I need it, but I can’t find it,” and your husband will be scratching his head in confusion before saying, “I need more than the black thing with the things on it,” while you needn’t even look up from what you’re doing because you know without hesitation that your child needs their portable charger – the black one with the white logos – and it’s sitting in the office next to the printer, but under the folder of science fair information they brought home last Wednesday on the first shelf over the cabinet.
Don’t ask me how we know. Just know that we know.
Palates change like underwear
Sunday at Publix, you remember you haven’t made your son’s favorite salmon dish in a while. The one with shallots and capers and the beautiful buttery lemon sauce over steamed rice. You buy the ingredients. You pick out the fresh salmon. You lovingly prepare the meal only to find out that your son doesn’t care for salmon. The same salmon he had three helpings of three weeks ago. Ew. Yuck. Not for him.
Free time doesn’t happen; it’s scheduled
I will say only this – there are actual days in the family calendar in which I have to input “DO NOT MAKE PLANS,” because we desperately need free time. And to have free time, one must schedule free time.
You will worry about things you didn’t even know existed
Suddenly, everything worries you. What if the bridge your kids are paddleboarding under collapses on top of them? What if a tsunami hits while you’re on the boat? What if a sinkhole opens up under the bedrooms as they sleep?
Did you ever worry about things like that? No, because you were not a parent and you had sanity.
You will not be prepared for them to move out
Sure, you have 18 years to think about the fact that they will graduate from high school and move to college, but you didn’t. You didn’t prepare yourself for this at all. You pretended it didn’t exist. You pretended it would never happen because you actually have 18 whole years, and that’s forever. Except it’s not forever; it’s the blink of an eye.
You will always be exhausted no matter how much sleep you get
I sleep well. I sleep at least 8 hours a night, but I’m exhausted all the time because no one’s body is meant to be this old and this busy all the time. No one’s.
You will really, really like the little people you created
I mean, a lot. And more and more as they get older. Suddenly, they’re your favorite travel buddies. They’re your favorite shopping buddies. They’re your favorite conversations, and you miss them terribly when you’re not with them, even when you needed a break from them.
Last but certainly not least…you will learn that not everyone is a good parent
Sadly, you will learn this through your children. The stories they tell of their classmates. Witnessing behaviors and reactions at sporting events. Being at school functions. Suddenly, every sleepless night you spent worrying about whether or not you were a good parent that day seems silly because clearly you are a wonderful parent because you’re going to see some seriously heartbreaking, disappointing, horrible things and realize you live in a little bubble of your own family and your own friends and their families, and you’ll realize not everyone is a good parent and not everyone comes from a good home. And your heart will break.
Parenting is the most sincerely rewarding experience, and it is the greatest job you will ever have (and the most important), but sometimes it feels like every day is a learning curve and a ‘why did no one tell me this in advance’ experience but in a very Groundhog Day manner.
Tiffany Raiford 