From someone who’s been working hard for years to become her.
You know the girl I’m talking about. She’s confident in any room. She’s unconcerned with fitting in or standing out. She’s unconcerned with being liked or being popular. She’s happy in her own skin, confident in her own image, and she’s happy in her own life.
Everyone wants to be that girl. She’s very cool. Maybe not to everyone, but she doesn’t care. She’s cool to herself. She has her life together (mostly), she is content, and she’s not comparing herself to anyone else. She likes herself, and no one else’s opinion matters. That girl is not easy to become (trust me, it’s taken me many years to reach ‘that girl’ status in my life).
If I have learned one thing in my (almost) 43 years of life, it’s that everyone has a different version of ‘that girl’ she wants to become, and everyone has the capacity to become ‘that girl’ if she’s willing to make positive changes, do the work, and learn to be very okay liking herself, being alone, and being unconcerned with the opinions of others.
Take care of yourself like you are someone important (because you are)
The simplest (and I do mean simplest) way to become that girl is to treat yourself well. Eat well. Take care of your skin. Drink water. Move your body. Find a hobby you love. Surround yourself with people you love. Make decisions that make you feel happy. It is truly that simple.
Check the toxic positivity at the door
You can absolutely be a happy person and an optimist and still be annoyed with people, things, and places. You can be ridiculously happy in your everyday life and still feel absolute rage when you walk out of your home and deal with the general public. Trust me.
But the toxic positivity? It’s not cute. When I see someone who encompasses all of the traits of toxic positivity – the constant cheerfulness and do-gooder behavior and upbeat outlook in every single situation – all I think is that you are probably the most miserable person on the planet and you’re working overtime to convince the world you’re not. Girls…it’s okay to be positive and still be annoyed, frustrated, angry, or hurt. Everyone is human; we all know you’re not immune to those feelings. Faking positivity through hard moments is performative, and you don’t have to do it. Just let yourself feel, and remember that not every single thing needs a response or a long-winded Facebook post with a positively positive tone.
Stop with the AI and the filters
Listen, you do you, but I’m going to go there. Girls…we can see you. And sometimes it’s a shock to our systems when we see your photos on the internet and then see you in the pick-up line looking absolutely nothing like the photos you upload. It’s really none of my business, but it almost feels like an insult to everyone’s intelligence. And…please stop accepting compliments on those photos. It’s not you.
Learn to love yourself. You are beautiful as you are. It cannot be good for your own mental health and your own confidence to feel the need to filter yourself so much you look like a completely different person. Embrace your own beauty. Embrace your own flaws. We all have them. You are not alone.
Take responsibility for your actions, your mistakes, and your life
I think, perhaps, the best way to become that girl is to become accountable for yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone fails. Everyone messes up, and everyone makes poor choices, and everyone does things that might one day embarrass them. Own it. Learn from it. Don’t do it again. But it’s so important to learn to admit when you are wrong, take ownership of your actions, and stop blaming everyone and everything else for the way your own life turns out. It’s also really unattractive – and a major red flag when someone is always blaming everyone else for every single thing. You aren’t perfect. None of us is perfect. It’s okay.
Stop with the comparisons
This one gets me every single time. Why are so many women so quick to compare themselves to everyone else? None of us is in the same place in life. None of us is living the same life. Some people are empty nesters finally living out their dreams of traveling and spending time together. Some have little kids at home, and they’re starting a completely different journey. Some are single, some are married, some are divorced, some are making millions, others are making less, some are from big families, and some are from small families. My point is that we are all so different, and none of us should be comparing ourselves to anyone else.
If you want to compare and compete, you’re never going to find happiness. Learn to find happiness and joy in where you are. You’ve accomplished so much already; why not learn to enjoy that? It’s always fine to work toward more, to new goals, but there’s no reason to compare or compete when no one else is trying to live the same life.
Make decisions for you
Every decision you make should be made for yourself. Not your extended family. Not your friends. Not strangers on the internet. Your decisions should be made specifically for you and the family you created, and those decisions should be the best ones for you and the family you created even if they’re not the decisions others would have made for themselves.
Once you start living for yourself…girl…life gets really, really good.
Stop caring if you are liked
No one is universally liked, so…let’s just move on from that. It’s time to embrace the fact that your life includes people who love you, people who admire you, people who like you, and people who really don’t like you. And that’s all right.
Here’s what I tell my kids about popularity – and I think women should hear it, too. If you are working to make sure everyone likes you, you are not being yourself. You are not standing up for what you believe in, nor are you making decisions that make you happy. Every choice you make, every thought you have, is about making someone like you. And for what? To be liked by people who have no idea who the real you is? To have to be a hundred different people depending on who you are with and where you are?
Worry about liking yourself. It won’t matter who doesn’t like you if you like you. Don’t be afraid to have a different opinion or live a different life. Don’t be afraid to stand up for what you believe in or say no or do things that might not sound popular to everyone or make you well-liked. I can promise you it’s far more enjoyable to live a life you like than to live a life you don’t but that everyone else appreciates.
Final thoughts
If you want to be ‘that girl ’, you need to let go of wanting to be liked, let go of living for others, and learn to like yourself. It truly is that simple. You don’t have to look a certain way, wear a certain style of clothing, live in a certain house, or drive a certain car. You just have to be happy where you are and learn to appreciate yourself and the life you’ve built. If you don’t like it…change it.
Tiffany Raiford 