Midlife motherhood.
It’s a common phrase these days, but what does it even mean? There’s a fairly common misconception surrounding the concept, but it doesn’t mean your age as a mom. It’s more the timeframe of motherhood that you’re currently in. For me, I’m in the thick of being a midlife mom.
I no longer have little kids, but I also don’t have an empty nest. There are no diaper bags to pack, no bottles to make, no naptimes to schedule, and no one needs my help with bathtime anymore (except maybe Carter…sweet baby angel does need to be reminded he needs to wash his entire body every time he showers). I am, however, in the middle of packing my oldest daughter as she prepares to move out of our home and move away to college, while our second daughter is going into her 10th grade year, and our twins are entering the seventh grade.
In eight short months, I’ll officially be the mother of four teenagers (yeah, that’s a kick in the ass). I’m also still too young to be old, but not so young by back doesn’t hurt after I tend to my garden or hit the gym. I still find myself absolutely amazed that I am the adult responsible for taking care of human lives (how????). I don’t feel like an adult, but I’m also turning 43 in two months, so there’s that.
Forty-three doesn’t sound very old (and I’ll tell you that being in my 40s has made me realize that this is it…this is the good life). But at the same time, I’m reminded that I’ve spent 25 years with my husband; we’ve been married more than 21 of those years, and we have four kids…one of whom is now officially an adult and is moving out. I’m half “God, it feels so good to have this life” and “I can’t remember why I walked into this room”.
This is midlife mom life.
I still care about me
I don’t think that will change, either, because let’s face it: I’m vain. I like to feel good, and to feel good, I need to look good. Hair, makeup, outfit, repeat. I still buy cute clothes, but I do find myself wondering on occasion if what I’m buying makes me look like I’m trying to be 20 again or if I’m approaching East Coast Grandmother vibes.
It’s kind of a weird place to be, but also kind of a great place to be. The good news about being my age is that I get to wear whatever makes me feel good…but also that it’s comfortable enough to sit in the stands or on a golf cart and watch my kids play sports for hours at a time.
My marriage has changed tremendously
There was a time when we had four little kids at home who exhausted us in the best way. Running around after them all day, playing with them, entertaining them, cutting their fruit into small pieces, and packing 49 bags for one outing was a way of life. Those days, we were always so excited to get a sitter and have a fun night out just being us again.
These days? These days, we are exhausted because we have four hyper-independent children who all have their own friends and lives, and three of them need rides to every single thing. There are often seasons in which we spend 5 to 6 days a week on a field of some sport for games and practices. We might not be making six plates for everyone at dinner anymore or helping people bathe and put on their pajamas, but we are exhausted in a way unlike anything we’ve ever experienced.
By the end of the day, we just want everyone to go to bed so we can collapse on the couch together and enjoy our own home and our comfy clothes and peace and quiet. Going out to dinner is still fun…but we are more let’s go at 5 pm and be home by 7 so we can relax.
We spend 24 hours a day together, but my husband and I sometimes feel that we have absolutely no time together because of the constant running around and the constant going, going, going with the kids and their schedules. Romance these days often looks a lot like jumping for absolute joy when all of the kids are sleeping over somewhere else at the same time, and we get to DoorDash dinner, watch a movie together, and get into bed together at 8 pm. It’s glorious.
It’s not long love notes in birthday cards; it’s knowing when I stumble out of bed (and I do stumble because I am neither a morning person nor a night person) that my coffee is already poured and is meeting me in the breakfast nook, handed off to me with love by my husband. It’s not planning a candlelight date night dinner; it’s telling the kids no when they want to go with us to run errands on a Sunday morning because we want to peruse the mean streets of Publix alone together with every single person who is living their very first day on earth and hasn’t learned the concept of spatial awareness.
And while it certainly may not sound as romantic as it did during the early days of our marriage, I can tell you with absolute transparency that it’s so much better. There is something so sweet about my husband holding my hand through the Publix parking lot or in the stands at a game on a Friday night. Probably because it’s just a reminder that our marriage is long and comforting and it’s still so good. We’ve built this life and raised these little humans, and we get to enjoy that.
Vacations have changed so much
We’ve always traveled with the kids. Since the day they were born, they’ve navigated airports and road trips and time changes and cross-country flights and hotels and Airbnbs and travel. They love it. We love it. But in the early days of parenting, we always looked so forward to trips alone, just the two of us. And we still do, but we find that we take fewer of those because the kids are so much fun to travel with now. We tend to find ourselves wishing they were there to see what we are seeing, experience the restaurants we’re dining in or enjoy the sights.
Travel has changed for us because we want the kids around. We want to make more memories with them and give them experiences in other cultures in other parts of the world. Getting away together is still important to us, but we also realize we are very, very close to finding ourselves in a place where the kids are all grown up and moved on, and we are going to have so much time to travel together. But we only get to travel with them as kids for a finite time.
Midlife motherhood is not glamorous
But it might be the best part of parenthood that I’ve gotten to experience. It’s this really cool place in which we get to experience the people that our kids are becoming. The people we’ve raised them to be. They’re funny and kind and exceptionally witty. They make us laugh, and we have so much fun together.
Midlife motherhood is a lot of driving, dropping off, picking up, sitting in bleachers, on golf carts, and on sidelines. It’s a lot of last-minute plans, and it’s noisy. But it’s also the most fun I’ve had in my entire life.
So, while midlife motherhood is a whole emotional experience that I am completely unprepared for, it’s also amazing. My heart breaks thinking about my daughter moving out in a few weeks, but it’s also so exciting to see her thrive and shine and accomplish so much at such a young age. It’s a painful reminder that right now we have one adult and three kids, but in less than six years, we’ll have four adult children.
Cliché as it may be, time does go by so quickly, and midlife motherhood is a slap-in-the-face kind of reminder of that. The kids were just babies, but they’re not babies anymore. They’re independent self-starters with their own personalities and their own opinions, and every day they need me just a little bit less.
I think if I had to define midlife motherhood, I’d define it as a transition period for a woman. We are no longer needed in the same way we were a few years ago, but we are needed in so many additional ways now. We still have kids at home to finish raising and to continue loving, but we also have adults out in the world who we hope want to come home as often as possible to hang out. It’s goodbyes and a lot of lasts, but it’s also a whole introduction to brand-new firsts. It’s exciting.
Tiffany Raiford 