Let’s talk about parenting.
If you’ve been reading the blog for a while, you know that parenting is a big part of my life (hello, mom of four here) and that I like to pride myself (and my husband) on raising good kids. I’m happy to admit that our kids are imperfectly perfect. They make mistakes, they mess up, they do things they shouldn’t do. We are also imperfect parents. We mess up. We make mistakes, we do things we shouldn’t do. We are all humans in the Raiford household, and we are all living this life for the first time.
BUT…
It’s become disturbingly obvious that not everyone takes parenting as seriously as we do.
I’ll make this very clear: Some things are private. I’m an open book about many things, but I am exceptionally private about others, especially when it pertains to my kids. Some stories are not meant for the blog or the internet. Some stories are not mine to tell. And some things are simply better handled between myself, my kids, their schools, and the adults whose job it is to handle certain situations.
That said, this is going to be one of those very vague posts – but not in an attention-whore manner where I’m posting photos asking for prayers and being vague and giving you just enough to be like omg what’s happening while telling you I don’t want to talk about it while also talking circles about it like it’s my job. So, no details will be given because this is a private matter, but I will tell you this:
A classmate of my child’s repeatedly put his hands on my daughter.
And I know you’re wondering what the hell happened. Sorry, this is not my story to tell. Because this post is not about creating internet rage over a particular child. This post is about something much bigger that’s been on my mind for a long time.
Parenting.
Specifically, the kind of parenting that makes kids think it is all right to physically assault another child – repeatedly – despite being asked by the child to stop, being lectured by the teacher, and boys who think it’s all right to put their hands on a little girl.
What happened to accountability? What happened to raising children with basic manners, respect, and a basic understanding of appropriate behavior?
Here’s the deal: Parents are doing their children a tremendous disservice by refusing to hold them accountable. And I’m not talking about the kids who make a one-time mistake or do something stupid because they’re kids and kids do stupid things. I’m talking about the kids who are repeatedly in trouble for poor behavior and poor choices.
A parent’s job is not to protect their child from consequences
A parent’s job is to protect their child, yes. But not from the consequences of their actions. A parent’s job is to prepare their child to become a decent human being. Here’s the deal:
Their kid is disrespectful – “Oh, that’s just how teenagers are nowadays”
Their kid hurts someone – “They’re just goofing off”
Their kid is caught doing something wrong – “There has to be more to the story”
Their kid gets in trouble in class – “It’s the teacher’s fault or the other kid’s fault”
Everyone else is the problem except the child sitting in the middle of every single situation.
Parents…this is not how parenting works.
Do I think that there are instances in which you are correct in thinking the above-mentioned thoughts? Absolutely. But when your child is constantly in trouble and it never occurs to you that your child might be the problem? Yeah, so bad news…that makes you the problem.
Listen, I defend my kids. I will do anything for my kids. But I also have the self-awareness to know that kids make mistakes, kids do dumb things, and sometimes it is my child’s fault. But guess what? There’s an important distinction between advocating for your child and excusing your child.
If my child is wrong, I want to know.
If my child hurts someone, I want them to know that there are consequences for that type of behavior.
If my child behaves badly, I don’t want to spend my energy making excuses to get my child out of trouble. I want to figure out why they did it, what they were thinking, and how we are going to handle the situation to ensure that they learn a lesson and never do it again.
My job as a mom is not to make sure my child never experiences consequences. My job is to make sure that when my children make mistakes or poor choices, they learn an important lesson from that so that in the future they have the ability to make better choices.
My job as a parent is to make sure my children learn the difference between right and wrong and that they learn that making a mistake is okay – we all make mistakes – but that continuing to make the same mistakes on repeat is not simply ‘making a mistake’ it’s making a choice…a poor choice.
We talk a lot about respect in our house. My kids are not required to like everyone they meet. But they are required to be respectful. We talk about keeping their hands to themselves. Our kids know they are never, ever to lay a hand on another child in any situation (but do not think for a second that our children will be in trouble with us if someone puts hands on them and they fight back because there is no other option available to them). We talk about kindness with our children.
We also talk about boundaries. No means no. Even if you’re goofing off with a friend, if they tell you not to touch them or say ‘no,’ it means NO. We talk about how you can be as angry as can be with someone, but you cannot be cruel. We discuss that embarrassment is not an excuse to humiliate others.
We talk about how being a kid isn’t an excuse that magically suspends the rules of basic human decency. Most importantly, we hold our kids accountable. Sometimes that means they suffer consequences that they don’t like. It means we sometimes have uncomfortable conversations. We make them apologize. We discuss the importance of admitting they make a mistake and owning it.
Honestly, it’s one of the greatest gifts we give our kids.
Childhood is not a consequence-free zone. It’s the time when we get to teach our kids that mistakes happen – and will happen the rest of their lives – but that the absolute BEST way to handle a mistake is to own it, take responsibility for it, and learn from it.
We are not parents who swoop in and make every uncomfortable situation disappear.
You are not doing your child any favors by convincing them they are not wrong.
You’re teaching them that accountability doesn’t apply to them. You are teaching them they are never to blame. You are teaching them that being sorry is optional. You are teaching them that consequences are unfair when they are applied to your child.
And what happens when your child grows up thinking their behavior is always excused because mommy and daddy refuse to teach them accountability? They become adults who genuinely don’t understand why the rest of the world is unwilling to accommodate their garbage behavior.
That’s not kindness. That’s not perfection. That’s not parenting.
That’s enabling.
Parenting means doing hard things.
It means saying things to you kids they might not want to hear. It means teaching them lessons that might piss them off. It means sometimes making your kids really, really dislike you in the moment. And it means loving your kids fiercely through adversity. You can still love your kids and want the world for them even when you’re holding them accountable and making them learn hard lessons.
I don’t want to raise four children who are well-behaved. I want to raise four children who have good character. I want them to make good choices when people are watching and when they are not watching. I want them to know right from wrong. That’s the goal. And when someone else’s child crosses a line with mine, I can’t control what happens in their home. I can’t control what they’re taught. I can’t control whether or not they have good parents, lazy parents, uncaring parents, or live with absolute trash for parents. I cannot control whether other parents hold their children accountable, discipline them, excuse them, or blame someone else.
All I can control is what happens to my kids. I listen. I believe my kids when they tell me something is wrong because I’ve taught my kids values and I listen. I take her word for it, and then I check with her teachers to hear their side of the story before I jump to conclusions. And then I advocate for my child whether that means standing up and demanding appropriate discipline for others or making my own child issue an apology and accept the consequences that are handed to my child.
I can teach my kids that they have every right to feel safe and respected. Just as I teach them that having feelings doesn’t give them the right or permission to hurt someone. And I think that’s the part of parenting so many people are getting wrong. So many people are so focused on protecting their children from the consequences of their choices that they’re forgetting to prepare them for the consequences of their choices when they enter the adult world.
However…
I have said it before, and I am more than happy to say it again: If your child is a continuous asshole, it’s probably because you are an asshole.
Do better.
Tiffany Raiford 