I am too old for far too much.
I say that as someone who is not old, but who feels entirely too mentally old for like half the things I once enjoyed. What a time to be alive. I still like to have fun. I still enjoy going out. I love to get dressed up, have a fabulous cocktail and a decadent meal, traveling, shopping, and spending time with people I love. I’m not even opposed to making a questionable decision now and again.
But there are certain things that I’ve decided I’m just far too old to enjoy anymore, and the list is non-negotiable. Don’t worry, I’m not going to include ‘people’ on the list since we all know I don’t enjoy those and it has nothing to do with my age.
It’s not that I’m boring now that I’m 43. It’s not that I am allergic to fun. It’s simply that I have much higher standards, and there’s a big difference.
I am too old for plans two days in a row.
One social engagement is lovely. Two in a row? Hard pass. If I have dinner plans Friday evening, please understand Saturday is officially booked with not a fucking thing. Booked by me. For me. Because of me. I need to recover. I need to hydrate. I probably need a nap.
I am too old for Sunday plans.
Sunday, for me, is not a social day. Sundays are sacred. Sundays are for doing whatever I want on that day, and not one thing that’s been pre-planned. I might consider brunch if you ask me. I might roll up to your house in my pajamas and let you serve me a mimosa. If you ask me to do something on a Sunday evening? I’m probably going to assume you don’t even know me.
I am too old for restaurants that don’t take reservations.
Walk-in only? Absolutely not. I am not standing outside. I am not waiting. I am not doing any of those things. Ever.
I am officially too old for plans after 6 pm.
And honestly, if we could just make the plans for 5 pm, that’s far better. I’m just not into being out late, staying up late, and socializing after dark. The earlier the better. In fact, forget dinner. Let’s do brunch.
I am officially too old for more than two drinks.
I just can’t do it anymore. My body hates me the next three business days. It’s not a hangover. It’s exhaustion. I feel so down and so lazy and so gross. I can’t do it. A pre-dinner cocktail and a glass of wine? Can do. A glass of wine at dinner, and a dark, bitter espresso martini as a nightcap? Can do. Anything more? No.
I am officially too old for big lights.
Soft lights only, please and thank you. Actually, let’s just use lamps. Only lamps. Just light from the lamp. Or, maybe we could even take it back to the pre-electricity times and you can light my way by candlelight. I’m not opposed.
I am too old to not have a schedule in place.
Listen, guys…I need a plan or I’m not coming. I can’t do the whole, “let’s just see where the night takes us,” thing because it’s taking me right to my house with my comfy clothes and my book. I need to know what time to arrive – specifically…do not hit me with ‘anytime after 4’ or I’m not coming. I need a solid arrival time, a solid plan, and the ability to know every last detail in advance.
I am officially too old to deal with parking.
Don’t invite me if there’s no valet. Please. I don’t want to find a parking spot. I don’t want to walk. I don’t want to go.
I am officially too old to stay somewhere if I’m done.
And this doesn’t mean I’m not having fun. It just means I know me, and my social battery is dying. I’d like to go now, and so I will.
I am officially too old for small talk.
If you see us sitting off to the sides in the stands at our child’s games away from the masses, please don’t feel free to join us unless you are part of the inner circle. I want to be left alone. I want to sit with my family. I want to avoid small talk. I want to be anywhere other than socializing.
I am officially too old to care.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. I don’t care if I’m missing out. I don’t care if I’m not involved. I don’t care if you like me or not. I don’t care if you are offended by me. I don’t care. And for the love of everything holy, if I did not ask you about something, I genuinely do not care to hear about it.
I’m old. And I’m tired. And I’m very busy. And I won’t apologize for it.
